“Stupid” Feelings

This post will be hard for me to show, but, after years, I feel like it’s time too. I hope it helps you with whatever struggles you’re going through. Especially when it comes to school, life, relationships, jobs, etc.

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When I was in grade school, before my brother and I were homeschooled, I struggled, BAD. I’d come home, when I was in 4th grade with homework, the worse one was math. I’d try, try, and try as hard as I could to understand it, but I had a hard time with it. My mom would try to help me, but, I’d just end up in tears, bawling my eyes out calling myself “Stupid”. She’d try to calm me by saying that I wasn’t stupid, that I was made special, the way God made me.

I then started getting bad migraines, a lot, and my parents thought I needed glasses, which then found out, it was just the stress of all the homework. I came home a couple of times, leaving my homework back at school to say I didn’t have any.

When I was at school, we would do multiplication speed tests, I ALWAYS got most of the problems wrong, the embarrassing part? Once we finished, we had to switch our papers with the student in front of us and we had to check each other’s own work to see if they were correct.

I had a few times where the math teacher would try to help me. I’d try to fix my mistakes when she handed the paper back to me and I’d still get them wrong, so I’d try to hold the tears back, right in class.

I also had a hard time, for years, learning how to count change.

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When I hit 9th grade, mom felt a strong calling from God to homeschool my brother and I, to this day, I don’t regret it.

But, my math and learning challenges were still following me.

I still cried through my high school years, comparing myself to my brother, who I always felt was smarter then me. While my mom was trying her hardest to encourage me and be positive.

I tried to do pre algebra, wasn’t good at it, but tried. I never took Algebra 1 nor 2 nor any of the higher levels of math. I finally told my parents that I wasn’t planning on going to college. I was angry, pure anger towards the higher levels of math. I had problems with simple math for a while too.

I could study and study and study for tests and still struggle. My mom tried to make it easier for me, but even then, I’d still have some struggles with testing.

I hated my brain, hated the way I was, wanting to scream to God, asking why over and over. I hated the ACT, despised it, disagreed to how a stupid number defined the person about getting in college or not.

I did graduate High School though with good grades, thankfully, but I had to work my ass off to get there.

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Horses is what kept my mind off of school through grade school and high school though.

I started to discover the things I was good at, focusing more on those then the stuff I wasn’t good at. I loved writing DEEP stories with meanings and still do at times. I even started writing a book called, “Moonseed”. I loved grammar and science throughout school. I was never good at any sports except for riding horses and later, running.

I found out more and more down the road that I craved physical challenges. I love pushing my body to the max.

I remember a scene in the first Rocky movie, when Rocky takes his future wife out on their first date and as they were ice skating around he was talking about his childhood and was saying how he can’t use his brain well, that fighting is all he’s good at.

That part spoke to me.

“It Ain’t How Hard You Hit…It’s How Hard You Can Get Hit and Keep Moving Forward. It’s About How Much You Can Take And Keep Moving Forward!” –Rocky

School hit me, hard, I struggled, BAD, but, I pulled through.

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The thing is, we’re all here for a reason.

We can waste our energy by focusing on things we’re not good at or save our energy and focus on things that we are.

There’s a quote I used a few months back that I like to repeat to myself sometimes,

“There will always, always, always be someone better then you at something. But, your goal is to be okay with that and move forward, become a better you and just embrace the God given talent you have.”

Something like that I said. 🙂

Sure, I still struggle, I still have tears, especially when it comes to tests, it’ll never leave me, but, my goal should be to push through, quit comparing myself, give it my best and forget the rest.

I’m a late bloomer.

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Embrace it. Don’t fight it.

 

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4 thoughts on ““Stupid” Feelings

  1. I don’t know how much you knew/know about how I was academically in school, but I wasn’t good at math either. Any math. I constantly cried throughout, when I had math homework. I did take Algebra 1 & 2, and Geometry, but I pretty much squeaked by with them. If it hadn’t been for the “projects” we did, where we got to make stuff, I would’ve failed. We all do have our struggles, but that’s what makes us who we are, and makes us stronger. Niether of us are even close to stupid, but we’re not “good at” everything we want to be. That’s part of life. I’m proud of the women we have both become and continue to become as we age further into adulthood. You make me proud every time I see you or read something you’ve posted, and I know you do the same for the rest of our family, and all of your friends.

  2. I am very proud of the young lady you are. You are brighter beyond your years. You have eisdom and a good head on your shoulders, beautiful inside and out! I love you very much!!! God doesn’t make junk! He made you the way He wanted you!!!

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