The Struggle is Real.

Today, I’m opening up about something that I quite honestly wasn’t going to open up about because of embarrassment. I’ve had this struggle for quite sometime now and I finally broke down and told my parents and brother about it recently. They, were shocked by how bad I really am.

I really wasn’t thrilled about making a post about this but I felt pulled and called too. Because, hopefully, I could reach out to others and prove to them they’re not the only ones.

Some of you have heard that I’ve gone through a year of major depression, I have an anxiety disorder, once a meat eater(then vegetarian and now vegan(2yrs)), a retired marathoner, and going through my own struggles and figuring out my life career daily like some.

But, there’s ONE thing that I have never mentioned because I didn’t think it was that bad but over the past year or so I’ve noticed it more and more and it’s getting worse. Point? I was living in denial with it.
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I am going through an addiction.

We all have heard of the drugs, smoking, pornography, money, certain possessions, alcoholic, and amongst others. But, mine is one that we hear of quite often as well and some people have it worse than others and I unfortunately, am one of these people.

It’s a struggle I’ve dealt with for years but, like I said, I lived in denial.

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Yes, my addiction is S.U.G.A.R. Now some may think, “Oh come on! Seriously? We were expecting something more major.” But, it is. Sugar is literally like a drug for me. I eat the certain treats and I get hooked in a snap. If it’s not in my house, I’ll go to the store and buy a bag as an excuse to make something or create something as an excuse to lick the bowl or I’ll cut slices of cake or something and transfer it to a plate as an excuse to eat the leftover crumbs, and whatever else just to get that sugar in my mouth.

I’ve thrown away a pie, brownies, and 1/2 a cake because I got into the leftovers and couldn’t hardly stop. IF it’s around me or in the house I want it and I want it now rather it’s that time of month or not.

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I  loved how it makes me feel at times, it is like my high. Not the good kind either.

Then other times, it’d make me feel irritable, angry with myself, nasty, and I just tell myself I’ll start over again tomorrow. But, when my “drug” is around me again it pulls me in and takes me over like a blanket but one I can’t escape from.

I finally HAD to get help. I feel myself slowly inching my way back into depression because of my addiction controlling me. Even though, I’m facing other struggles right now this is one of my biggest ones.

I finally couldn’t take it anymore so one night, recently, as I was about to turn out my lights for bed, I emailed Lindsay Nixon(Happy Herbivore) a long email with my own questions added on what to do. One of her employees emailed me back telling me she was in Asia at the time but will let her know to get back to me and so she gave some helpful links from Lindsay’s website to read until she got back.

Then, a week later, Lindsay emailed me back, herself, with a long reply and answered some of my questions. She told me that they have an online anonymous support group for people like me that meets 1-2x’s a month. I recently joined and hope it helps.

I pray to God every night, practically beg Him even through tears at times to help me get through this terrible struggle that’s eating me up inside. I so hate it. SO hate it. My dad is even willing to hide sweets IF he gets any in the house and it’s my goal to not go and buy any.

I, at least know now, that I’m not the only one walking this hard journey of recovery alone. Lindsay also told me that if not coming up with dessert recipes anymore, not making desserts for special occasions, not making desserts for holidays, and whatever else would help me not give in then I should DO IT! So,because of my serious addiction, I plan to not come up with anymore dessert recipes nor be making desserts for holidays, events, and special occasions anymore.

But, with God’s help, my new support group I signed up for, and other supports, I really believe I can get through this. Faith is what I really must have too.

The first step to recovery is “accept” and I now I accept that I AM an addict.

No more hiding about. No more avoiding it.

This, is my addiction, I, am an addict, and this is my time to take a stand. I know it will NOT be easy! But I can overcome with the proper help.

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